Don't let the turkeys get you down

Every now and then you may find yourself being wronged in a way that nine out of ten shoppers walking out of Costco would agree was heavily unfavorable to you - and you aren't quite sure what to do with your anger and frustration. Examples: your spouse decides he is tired of being an adult, leaves his job, and starts having an affair with a younger woman; the "all chrome, nothing under the hood" colleague takes all the credit for your hard work and leapfrogs you on the org chart; you receive a rejection letter from your dream college while a classmate is admitted due to family ties or a timely financial donation. The next time you find yourself in a similarly bad place, try this three-step coping mechanism on for size. First, accept the fact that life isn't fair. If life were fair, you wouldn't have access to the Internet, clean drinking water, or toilet paper. Second, take your philandering spouse's picture or college rejection letter and stick it in a manila file folder labeled "Don't let the turkeys get you down." This is a concrete way to lump and label some of your most painful life experiences into one manageable place that can be tucked away in a drawer. Third, celebrate the people who call or write with words of encouragement during your turkey times. They are some of the most thoughtful and precious friends you will every have in your life.

Match game

First of all, a hearty congratulations to all the students and their families who were accepted to Harvard and other schools with similar panache and bling. The accomplishment cannot be overstated in today's world of ultra competitive college admissions.  This post is written for the huddled masses who are trying to figure out how to be successful and happy in life without that coveted Ivy League degree, networking opportunities, and t-shirt. For you, let me suggest that the college application process should be seen as more of a match game than a contest with winners and losers. As such, the first step is to think in very broad terms about what you want from your college. Initial conclusions might range from the cheapest, fastest, and most direct path to a paying job to an exotic, expensive and exploratory experience far from home. Look for an overall fit in terms of available courses of study, faculty, fellow students, campus life, extracurricular activities, prestige, reputation, graduate school placement, and whether or not your collective talents and achievements give you a fighting chance of being accepted.  Also consider COST (up to $50,000/year which is a major consideration for most) and FAMILY SITUATION (if your mother was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and your father needs you to help take care of your younger siblings, do not go to school on the opposite side of the continent). Visit as many of your schools of interest as time and money allow. Many students have talked about the strong positive or negative "feeling" they experienced while being on a campus as a major factor in their ultimate decision.  Fast forward past all he hard work of applying. You have now arrived at the happiest stage of the application process. By virtue of being an applicant, you are associated with a long list of fancy schools and no one has rejected you yet. With confidence and authority, you can walk around saying things like "I'm considering attending MIT or Berkeley for engineering." Reality will come knocking on your door soon enough in the form of acceptance and rejection letters. Celebrate every acceptance like you've won the Publishers' Clearinghouse. As for the rejections, it's not that you weren't good enough, it's more that the most selective schools have such a high applicant to acceptance ratio that they end up splitting hairs in order to eliminate candidates. Don't conclude that fencing was the "wrong" sport, that piano lessons were a waste of time, or that Amherst doesn't like your ethnic group. Still, a rejection letter from your dream school feels like a dagger in your heart and crime against your soul. What you do after you are done mourning will help define who you are and how you deal with adversity in your life. First and foremost, forget about the schools that didn't invite you to their party. "It's their loss" is a healthy mantra to embrace in the depths of despair. From the list of schools that were smart enough to accept you, choose the one that is the best overall fit and that you can afford. Then embark on a mission to 1) make the most of your opportunities there 2) make the school a better place by virtue of your contribution to school life and 3) be a loyal, fanatic, and generous alumnus until you die.

Work hard, be kind

Judy Davis recently retired after decades of dedicated service as the principal of North Davis Elementary School.  Her students were her life and she was famous for knowing the name of every single child at school and bringing her guitar to the classrooms to sing songs.  My daughter was fortunate enough to attend North Davis, and when it was time for her to graduate, I looked forward to Judy's graduation ceremony speech.  What parting words of wisdom would this icon share with those being launched into the world of junior high?  Judy, being Judy, took only one minute on the center stage, just long enough to share these words of wisdom:  "work hard and be kind to others."  Can you imagine what the world would look like if everyone took her advice to heart?  

Building a dream team for Mars

The Voyager Program is coming along just fine and if I'm reading the reports right, it's just a matter of time before the President asks me to build a dream team to populate the planet. We've learned a lot about mankind from what's transpired here on earth and we have a good idea of what we want and don't want in the members of our starter pack. The stakes are high as these initial Marslings will likely determine the ultimate fate of our species. First and foremost, we want people who have demonstrated a knack for being part of the solution to the challenges and crises that will invariably arise. While the successful dream team candidate will vent and grieve like the average person, he will distinguish himself by quickly moving on to adopt a "can do" attitude and dive into creative problem solving without concern for how he looks in a Speedo. For the ideal candidate, the motivation behind her comprehensive and eclectic list of achievements will be a burning desire to acquire the skills and experiences necessary to help others in society - not a quest to feather her own nest. Dream team members must be very comfortable with engaging themselves in the work of imperfect solutions - but continue to strive for robust solutions that reflect an understanding of the problems and the imperfect people assembled to solve them. People who like themselves too much need not apply. While we do not consider gender in the review process, we will need at least one fertile male and one fertile female to make this thing work.

Take it slow greasy, you've got a long way to slide

You've heard it before, life is a marathon, not a sprint; or, as I often put it to my patients who are living lives without margin, "you have to do whatever it takes in the short term to last for the long run." Too many people fall into the trap of working at a frenetic pace as if every day of their lives were part of a final exam week. They cram more and more work and worry into a day that is limited by twenty four hours and then wonder why they have abdominal pain, headaches, anxiety, and insomnia. Step back, take a deep breath, and create an orderly world where there is time for four meals a day, sleep, and healthy pleasures like a brisk workout or a good read. It's not being selfish. It's doing what you need to do to fulfill such long term commitments as being a cherished school teacher, loving stay at home parent, reliable doorman, or indispensable auto mechanic. So the next time you find yourself living without physical, emotional, or spiritual margin, repeat this saying: "take it slow greasy, you've got a long way to slide."

Page - the perfect role model

Sometimes it helps to see your aspirations and future embodied in another human being and that's the function that a role model serves. The problem is that it is hard to find someone who is the person you want to become in all respects. Bob might hit a baseball well, but he also abuses drugs; or, Sheila is a brilliant engineer, but has political views that are in diametric opposition to your own. Enter the composite role model. This is the fictitious perfect person (let's call her Page) who embodies the best individual qualities you see in your fellow human beings. Page has the courage and benevolence of Gandhi, the genius of Einstein, the sparking attractive personality of your best friend Lisa, and the leadership skills of your school principal, Mrs. Davis. You are free to modify Page over time, removing aspects of her that become stale and adding new ones as you discover new people and personalities over time. So no more complaining about the lack of role models in society. Page already exists in various bits and pieces of your life. You just need to get busy and start putting her together.